Text

Hey gang. It’s me, that blog you forgot you were following. In addition to passing along the above delightful gif that I stumbled upon recently, I’m just letting you know that I’ve got a better-quality pdf of the final story available for download now (and also it’s a slightly smaller file size?? how does computer work)

»HARD TO PORT.PDF«

Also, since I got zero feedback last time: I would love to hear what you thought of the story! After all, it is the greatest* piece of Dinosaur Comics fan fiction yet conceived by man.

<3 Tim

*in terms of length

Text

Okay guys here is the PDF, the quality’s not perfect but it has reached the level of “good enough”. Don’t worry though, I think it will still be worth your while, because this isn’t just some shitty cut-and-paste job; this is the deluxe 0th Anniversary Special Edition of Hard To Port!! New features include:

- a foreword by TONY HAWK!

- illustrated cover page!

- a salacious “about the author” page! (illustrated!!)

- another genuine plagiarized dinosaur comic!

- SNAZZY FONTS, including both Papyrus AND Comic Sans!!

- numbered pages!

- a revised text featuring possibly less typos than ever!! (not a guarantee)

- I also added a few extra descriptions of some characters as they were introduced, because apparently I felt such things weren’t necessary the first time around?? (maybe I am not a professional after all)

- with these added changes you also now have an opportunity to play the world’s most tedious game of “spot the difference” between this version and the originals!! The winner does not receive a prize.

Sounds pretty awesome right?? Well unfortunately, chapter six is still there. But other than that, it’s everything you could want or need in life! Read it today and enrich yourself!

HARD TO PORT.PDF

Text

Hey everyone, I’ve finished putting together the extra stuff for the final version of Hard To Port, but now I’ve run into a problem: MSWord seems to be terrible at making PDFs?? The main problem is the large image I drew as a kind of title page, which keeps compressing down to terrible quality even when I politely ask it not to (though some of the other images aren’t exactly crisp either). I’ve tried a few free online services and programs, like CutePDF, but they produce similar results, as did the trial version of Adobe Acrobat X.

So yeah if you have any advice about how to bend one of these programs to your will to produce the desired results then please let me know, otherwise I’ll just keep trying to figure something out / getting angry at inanimate objects.

Text

Hey guys, thanks for reading this crazy thing! I had a rather embarrassing amount of fun writing it, so hopefully some of that rubbed off in your reading of it, too. If you’re interested, in a couple of weeks I will post a PDF of the whole story (along with a few extras thrown in), in a revised and hopefully more readable format, in case you want to relive the sexful magic all over again. (To that end, let me know if you spotted any mistakes or contradictions along the way, so I can fix ‘em up!)

Also, if you want to have a look at some more of my work, I draw comics about feminism and the War On Dolphins over at Comical Interlude (and also the B-Roll), and I also occasionally draw ambiguous metaphor comics about SCIENCE in a project that I named Candles after Carl Sagan’s memorable aphorism. And since I’m pretty sure I know where your interests lie (wink), you might like to note that I will be attempting some non-parody erotica in a few Comical Interlude storylines at some point in the future (probably not anytime soon, unfortunately, but still, I’m sure there will be some interesting tidbits along the way to that goal).

So, you can check that stuff out if you like, otherwise, I hope you enjoyed the story! Perhaps we will meet again the next time Ryan makes an offhand joke in one of his comics that inspires me to write 29,000 words of deliberately terrible erotica.

<3 Tim

Text

Epilogue

News of the sexatonic victory against the icebergs preceded the Titanic’s arrival in New York, so when the great ship finally did pull into port, there was quite a large crowd there to greet it. Even the king of New York was waiting there on the docks, wearing his ‘I want James Port inside me’ shirt, like everyone else.

After the sex heroes had disembarked, everyone gathered for a hasty ceremony of sorts where the king and his sexy offsider, Mayor Asstrid, made speeches honoring Port and his friends, and also proclaiming the success of the Titanic’s maiden voyage. Indeed, Mayor Asstrid concluded her speech by saying, “this voyage was such a sucess, we have already sent word to White Star Lines recommending that they commission a THOUSAND more ships, each more COAL HUNGRY than the last! Muhahahaha!”

As the crowd cheered wildly, Asstrid turned to shake hands with the king and Port and the others. As everyone congratulated each other, the king mused, “the only thing I don’t understand is, why did the icebergs attack the Titanic? And is there anything we can learn from their motivations?”

"I guess we will never know," Port shrugged.

Antonio stepped forward and placed a hand on Port’s shoulder. He was just wearing civilian clothes now, having already renounced his position in the military to become a sexy anarchist as part of his newfound quest to deconstruct hierarchical power structures in Western culture.

"James… perhaps you should ask the king about that other thing, hmm?" he prompted, just loud enough for Port to hear.

"Ah yes, right," Port nodded. He pulled the king aside, while the crowd continued to cheer in the background.

"Your majesty, how quickly do you think you could arrange a wedding ceremony for me?"

A delighted expression lit up the king’s already-jovial face. “You’re getting married? Well done, my boy! Who’s the lucky lady?”

Port laughed. “Well, it’s more like, who’s the lucky ladies, and also one dude,” he said, gesturing to Antonio, Amelia, Ashley and Cassandra. “We’re ALL getting married.”

The king’s face darkened. “Polygamy??” he shouted. “And same-sex marriage to boot?! What’s next, bestiality??????”

Port faltered. “I, uh… I’m not sure how those things are connected?? And now that I think about it, I don’t really want to know how you drew that conclusion, either.”

"Awww come on kingy, lighten up," Mayor Asstrid said, draping an arm around his shoulders. "Haven’t you heard that Cassandra here invented feminism already? I mean, how do you think I got elected this morning??"

"Dammit!" the king said, shaking his fists. "I thought that shit wouldn’t show up for like fifty more years!!"

"Well if that won’t pursuade you, perhaps… this will?" Port asked smugly, while holding up the document he had swiped from the Titanic’s captain.

The king instantly fell to his knees and bowed fervently. “My apologies, your holiness. I will arrange the wedding at once, and see to it that the laws are changed appropriately.”

"That’s what’s up," Port grinned, turning back to his future wives and husband. They hugged and smooched for a bit before descending from the stage and making their way towards their ride, a large horse carriage. But first they had to get through the crowd, which meant handing out lots of high fives and also Port had to sex up a few people.

But eventually they made it and climbed aboard, relieved to have few moments to themselves after all that craziness. They were all grinning madly except for Cassandra, who was trying to act excited but clearly had something else on her mind.

"Hey, what’s up, sweetie?" Port asked, draping his arm around her.

"James, I… I have to tell you something." Her tone of voice was enough to quieten the mood in the carriage a bit.

"What is it?" Port asked, suddenly unsure of himself.

"Oh James, I’m… I’m pregnant.”

There was a moment of silence, before Amelia burst out laughing.

"Oh, is that all, sweetie?" she giggled. "Don’t worry - so am I."

Ashley nodded reassuringly.

"We’re ALL pregnant," Antonio grinned, throwing his arms wide.

Cassandra started laughing as well, as relief flooded her body. The laughter was contagious, and all five of them were helpless in its grasp for like the next thirty seconds. It would have quickly become rather tedious to an outside observer, especially if they were from an alternate universe (wink).

Cassandra tried to calm herself down, wiping tears from her eyes. “Oh James, I guess you really are… hard to port!!" she said, somehow making the dual exclamation marks evident in her pronunciation.

Everyone immediately stopped laughing and looked at her.

"Wait… what?" Ashley asked.

"What was that in reference to? Did I miss something?" Amelia added.

Cassandra shrugged awkwardly, not knowing what to say.

The silence lingered uncomfortably.

Text

Chapter Eighteen

Warning: This is the second-last chapter!! And it’s really long! Hold on to your butts!


*   *   *


In the cockpit of the lead iceberg, the suzerain of the polar bears stared forward unflinchingly, watching the Titanic grow larger and larger in their forward viewscreen. Haha that’s right, POLAR BEARS! Did you guess it??

Just then, another polar bear rolled out of his den and tumbled into the cockpit, having emerged rather late from hibernation. Blinking blearily, he looked about and saw the high-tech surrounds and the massive ship up ahead.

"WHOA, okaaay," he mumbled, rubbing his eyes, "I think I’ll need hella exposition to bring me up to speed here, dudes."

The suzerain sighed heavily.

"Do you see that ship up ahead? It’s carrying more than 7,000 tons of coal. It burns through 600 tons a day. Do you KNOW what happens when you burn coal??"

The lazy bear scratched the back of his head, thinking hard. “…Oxidative phosphorylation?”

The suzerain facepalmed himself in the face. “Carbon dioxide,” he growled. “If you burn fossil fuels you release it into the atmosphere. And then what happens? Well it is a greenhouse gas, so obviously, it will start absorbing heat that otherwise would have radiated back into space, and the atmosphere will start to warm up. Not an agreeable scenario when your home is made out of FUCKING ICE, right?”

The lazy bear nodded slowly. “Okay, right. I can get that. Seems pretty simple.”

"Of course it is you blubbering narwhal wang," the suzerain growled (he is a bear so he growls a lot). "It’s hard to imagine a more straightforward and easy-to-understand scientific principle - aside from evolution, of course."

"So… what are we going to do, exactly?"

The suzerain reached into a nearby bucket and pulled out a fish and bit its head off angrily. “We’re going to take this sumbitch DOWN,” he growled. “If we can keep wiping out this kind of technology before it catches on then maybe we can prevent the whole ‘atmospheric warming’ problem from occurring in the first place.”

The lazy bear scratched his chin thoughtfully. “Don’t you think we are undermining an otherwise-valid point by resorting to violence?”

He received a half-eaten fish to the face for his troubles.

"NO! We are polar bears. Resorting to violence is what we do. If we fail, then our descendents will just have to learn from our failure by becoming even more violent. Our data suggests it will be more than a hundred years before this becomes a problem that we can no longer rectify, so we have plenty of time. Trust me, by the year 2000, this will be a non-issue."

With that, the suzerain impatiently punched the iceberg driver out of his seat and sat down and put the pedal to the metal. The iceberg roared and charged across the ocean, heading straight for the Titanic.

Read More

Text

Chapter Seventeen

Amelia nervously dropped her uniform to the deck and stepped in front of Port, ready for him to pick her up. But at that moment, he was staring out to sea, surveying the remaining icebergs, psyching himself up for the next round of whatever this ridiculous thing was they were doing. While he was distracted, Amelia locked eyes with Cassandra, who was still sitting on the deck nearby.

"Is it… painful?" she asked.

Cassandra shook her head. “No, it’s just totally hot.” She giggled. “I mean… it’s more like, you know, if you’ve been in a hot shower too long, and you start to feel dizzy and stuff. Except the heat is coming from down below instead of up above. I don’t know, it’s not actually painful or anything, it’s just something you really feel like you need to take a break from after a while.”

Amelia nodded slowly, and was then interrupted as Port placed a hand on her shoulder.

"Listen… this is weird as hell, so let’s just get it over with as quickly as possible, right?" he said, glancing back at Antonio, who was experiencing a glissando crossfade for some reason.

"…Sure," Amelia softly replied, unable to suppress the growing excitement radiating from her ovaries. "I’ll pretend I don’t want to do this with you, James."

"Jeez…" Port exhaled, glancing down at the deck. He stepped towards Amelia, preparing to begin - but then stopped, as he realised his boner hadn’t quite bounced back yet after that last laser orgasm.

"Oh…" he said, looking down. Amelia turned and followed his gaze, noticing the problem pretty quickly.

"You need a bit of cheek, dear?" Amelia asked, failing to inject the desired nonchalance into her voice.

"Um, actually," Cassandra interjected, crawling towards them, "I think this will do the trick."

She took hold of Port’s semi and casually slipped it into her mouth, performing the ‘blow job’ technique with practised ease.

Amelia was gobsmacked. “Oh my God, what is this, James??”

"It’s a new thing I invented," Port smirked, folding his arms. "Pretty cool, huh?"

"It’s crazy," Amelia breathed, watching intently as Cassandra brought Port’s penis up to a fully engorged state using her soft mammalian mouthparts.

Her goal achieved, Cassandra released Port’s boner and started moving back out of the way, but stopped as Amelia reached down and touched her lightly on the head and said, “wait! I want to… I mean…” She blushed, glancing away. “Can you show me what that feels like?”

Cassandra’s eyes widened, and she looked towards Amelia’s hairy vulva uncertainly.

"Well, I… uh…"

"Come on, we don’t have time for this," Port said, stepping behind Amelia and lifting her into his arms.

Kneeling next to them, Cassandra saw Port’s boner throbbing right in front of her, just below Amelia’s waiting vagina. Impulsively, she reached out and grabbed the boner, moving it into position - as as she did so, she leaned forward and pressed her mouth against Amelia’s labia, performing some brief oral gymnastics before pushing the penis into the vagina and falling back, eyes wide with surprise at what she’d just done.

She slowly crawled back over near Ashley, who was grinning smugly at her.

"Not into ladies, huh?"

Cassandra shrugged self-consciously, her face bright red. “I guess I’m trying all sorts of new things lately.”

They started making out, in a sexual way.

Meanwhile Port was rapidly getting up to speed, his boner flashing in and out of Amelia’s vagina like a whirring piston. A range of emotions crossed Amelia’s face, as her initial trepidation quickly gave way to increasing excitement and wonder as the strange sensation of accumulating sexual energy radiated from her vagina throughout the rest of her body.

Soon, pulsing light was shining forth from that sexatonic place where their two bodies were joined as one. The air crackled with electricity as they efficiently worked their way towards the laser orgasm state.

Naturally, by now, there was a growing crowd of passengers gathering on the deck behind them, drawn at first by curiosity as to what was causing all the fuss, and then staying to lend their support to the small group defending them from the iceberg menace. Most of them would never have even heard about the secret sex act, let alone guessed its true nature, so this was quite an eye opening experience for them. Also: they found it pretty exciting to watch other people have sex?? Humans are pretty weird, though it seems normal if you are one.

Throughout these events, Antonio stood with his back to the action, deep in thought. The unpleasant memories of his previous encounters with Port clashed with his conflicting emotions about their current situation, and the need for them to work together to stave off this deadly ice-based threat. It was as if the evolutionary forces that had combined to turn humans into a highly gregarious and cooperative species had all been conspiring against him, laying the groundwork for millenia as they worked towards finally springing the trap on him in this moment, here and now. It was an awe-inspiringly solipsistic thought but that’s just how irritated he was.

An electric buzzing noise, steadily increasing in pitch, indicated that Amelia and Port were just about done. The sound burning in his ears, Antonio finally forced himself out of his reverie and turned to look out at the ocean.

There were still so many icebergs out there. Lined up from horizon to horizon, slowly but surely closing in on their target. The Titanic was finally, almost imperceptibly, starting to turn around and build up speed, but at the rate they were closing in, Antonio guessed that the icebergs would easily surround them, and close off all the exits.

"It’s not enough…" he murmured, thinking of how long it had taken them to wipe out just three icebergs so far.

He looked towards Port and Amelia. The light shining from their sexual organs was dazzling now, even compared to the bright afternoon sun. Antonio noticed Port shifting his stance, preparing to throw Amelia forward…

"James, wait!"

Text

Chapter Sixteen

Warning: good news! I figured out a way to fit an additional gay sex scene into the story, for entirely gratuitous reasons! Read on to see how I just seamlessly slipped it in there (I am a professional).


*   *   *


BOORM!

Another iceberg exploded, carving out a depression in the surface of the ocean and spraying ice and, I don’t know, whales and stuff into the air. Seething water surged back into the empty space left behind, and another bank of boiling clouds rolled into the sky.

Ashley fell back onto the deck, fanning her butt as wisps of steam rose from it. Cassandra was still sitting nearby, also cooling down her glowing vagina.

Port, meanwhile, climbed up onto the top railing, preparing to have a laser orgasm of his own. His dick was glowing so brightly that you couldn’t even look directly at it. He was right on the edge, so it was just a matter of picking out an iceberg and quickly jerking off a bit…

SHAZAM!!

A third iceberg went down, unable to withstand the mighty sexual energy radiating from Port’s boner.

He dropped back onto the deck, taking a moment to catch his breath. Like a true sexual athlete, he was showing the physical signs of his exertion but at the same time, he clearly still had plenty left in the tank. From the expression on his face, he seemed to be deriving rather more enjoyment from this than you might expect from someone facing a life-or-death situation.

"Cass! Are you ready to go again?"

Cassandra looked up at him, still fanning air onto her smoking crotch. “I don’t know… I’m not used to this, James, I need more time.”

"The icebergs aren’t going to wait," Port said, trying not to be too impatient.

"I know, I know!"

"Port," came a voice from behind them. Port turned - it was Antonio. He was gesturing towards Amelia.

"Antonio! Are you sure?" both Port and Amelia said at the same time.

"Just get it over with," Antonio said gruffly, turning away.

As Amelia stripped off and moved into position, Antonio stared down at the deck, trying to focus his thoughts on something else. But inevitably, old memories rose to the surface…

Read More

Text

Chapter Fifteen

The cannons on the dreadnought battleship rotated away from the Titanic and towards the new threat. Cataclysmic explosions rang out as 12-inch and 9.2-inch shells were blasted towards the incoming iceburgs, leaving great clouds of smoke in their wake as if the cannons had self-destructed in order to complete their mission.

The shells merely embedded in the sides of the icebergs, knocking off a few small chunks of ice, nothing more. They were not nearly strong enough.

Antonio Tony pulled out his semaphore flags and began signalling to his remaining crew on the battleship, telling them there was nothing they could do and they should get out of there and radio for help.

At about the same time, the Titanic’s engines roared mightily, as the captain seemed to have similar ideas. However, getting the much larger ship turned around and up to speed was going to be a rather more time-consuming task, and the icebergs were closing in fast, glinting with malicious intent in the afternoon sun.

Luckily, Port was already naked.

"The natural enemy of ice is heat," he said, prepping his boner. "And we’re going to need a lot of it."

Cassandra stroked her chin thoughtfully. “So… we’re going to generate heat by having sex, and this will melt the icebergs before they can damage us?”

"This plan seems unfeasible," Ashley pointed out.

"Don’t worry," Port reassured them, while whisking their clothes off in a single expert flourish. "I know a special technique."

Cassandra’s eyes widened. “Is this that secret sex act I’ve heard rumours about?”

Port nodded grimly. “Yes, it is.”

Ashley seemed uncharacteristically nervous. “James, you can’t be serious… there must be some other way!”

Port gestured to the incoming icebergs. “If you’ve got any ideas, let me know. In the meantime…”

He moved behind Cassandra and lifted her up. She giggled and flailed her legs out a bit before bringing her knees up to her chest as Port’s hands slid along the backs of her thighs. He held her there, and expertly flicked his boner up into her vagina, before pumping his hips vigorously back and forth. So far, it seemed like a fairly traditional sexual engagement…

"Okay, here we go," Port said into Cassandra’s ear, breathing heavily. "Just relax, and concentrate on the sexual energy flowing into your ovaries. Your sex ghost will know what to do."

They stood there, on the prow of the Titanic, both looking out to sea, engaging in the sexual act. Port increased the speed of his humping, and increased it some more, and kept going…

"Jesus Christ," Antonio said, watching as Port’s hips turned into an impenetrable blur of motion. He held up a hand and squinted his eyes as intense gusts of wind radiated from the sexing couple, accompanied by a low whirring buzz, gradually increasing in pitch. Soon, small arcs of electricity were leaping from Cassandra’s vagina.

Despite the extraordinary speed with which Port was making love to her, Cassandra had a strangely serene expression on her face. She had reached a new level of sexual enlightenment, and had surrendered autonomous control of her body to her sexual instincts. Her sex ghost was running the show now.

Port’s face carried a similar aura of serenity, but tempered by the strain of his physical exertions. Sweat dripped down his face, and he was turning increasingly red as blood coursed through his circulatory system, working overtime to supply his muscles with oxygen.

Then, just when it seemed he would burst from the effort, he stopped and threw Cassandra forward, grabbing hold of her hands before she went all the way over the edge. For a brief moment, her body was suspended horizontally in space, high above the ocean. Looking forward, her eyes latched onto the nearest iceberg, and she opened her legs wide…

VIZZZOOOUUU!!

An intense blue laser beam lanced out from her vagina, crossing the gap to the targeted iceberg in an instant and penetrating deep inside it. A cloud of steam rose from the site of the initial impact, but was rapidly swallowed up by a much larger explosion as the superheated iceberg blew apart, sending up a massive plume of boiling vapour. Small chunks of ice flew hundreds of metres into the air before raining harmlessly back into the ocean.

Squeezing Cassandra’s hands tightly, Port reeled her back over the railing, and they both fell back onto the deck, gasping for breath.

"Holy… holy shit," Cassandra breathed, staring out at the ocean, where the sea was still roiling from the damage she had wrought. "That was fucking intense.”

Port laughed. “You did well, Cass.”

They engaged in some traditional post-sex smooching.

"Umm…" Antonio started, "that was impressive and all, but maybe you failed to notice that there are still quite a few more icebergs out there?"

"Right," Port nodded, standing up. "Come on, Ash, your turn."

Ashley, emboldened by Cassandra’s success, quickly moved into position. Port lubed up and then put his penis into her butt and they began charging the orgasm laser.

Watching this, Amelia moved to Antonio’s side and said quietly, “Antonio, can you… I mean… can we help with this?”

Antonio stared moodily out to sea. “Don’t you remember what happened that night Port tried to teach me this technique?”

Amelia nodded slowly, but her attention was inevitably drawn to the encroaching icebergs.

"We may not have much choice…"

Antonio was unmoved.

Text

Chapter Fourteen

A small planet with a single moon falls silently through the infinite void, orbiting its home star at a mean distance of roughly 149 million kilometres.

A tiny Thera juniperata caterpillar emerges from its egg amidst the tangled branches of a juniper tree.

A Nile crocodile launches itself from the Mara River in Kenya, seizing a frantic wildebeest in its jaws, dragging it to a watery grave.

Facultative aerobic bacteria in the anoxic L’Atalante basin, 3,500 metres below the surface of the Mediterranean, mindlessly carry out fermentation to sustain their alien existence.

A wandering albatross soars through the sky over the sparkling Pacific Ocean. It has not touched land in over a year.

Countless arthropods tumble through the jet stream at the boundary between the troposphere and the stratosphere, having been sucked up into the sky during storms. Some of them will eventually come to rest in new lands, and perhaps even establish new populations.

An Ōsanshōuo sits silently in a cold, fast-flowing current on the Japanese island of Kyushu, waiting for prey to pass by.

Thousands of tiny yellow snow buttercups in the Rocky Mountains in Colorado track the morning sun, absorbing its heat to entice pollinators to visit.

A small group of chiru graze on dry grass high up on the Tibetan plateau.

Trichonympha agilis digests cellulose in the gut of Reticulitermes speratus.

A man lies on the deck of an enormous ship, his ego under assault by a mean person.

They are all made out of atoms forged in the centres of stars or occasionally in supernovae, billions of years ago, thousands of lightyears from their current coordinates in space.

Ancient photons, travelling alone since the universe first turned from a dense plasma to transparent space more than 13 billion years ago, constantly stream down upon them.

They are all connected.


*   *   *


Port opened his eyes. Antonio was still standing over him, dancing some kind of victory jig, still carrying on about his lack of attraction towards his nemesis. But although sound waves representing the hurtful words reached Port’s ears and were translated into electrochemical signals to be interpreted by his brain, he suddenly felt strangely untouched by them. A deep peace arose in the centre of his mind and spread out in all directions, instantly calming the raging turmoil of his emotions.

He stood up. Antonio’s dancing and chanting slowed, as he pondered Port’s sudden resistance to his attacks. Port looked him in the eye, smiled, and nodded, tipping an imaginary hat.

"I do not require universal admiration, nor do I desire it. Good day to you, sir."

With that, he turned to Cassandra and Ashley, helping them to their feet. They were stunned, their tears halted, and could do nothing but automatically follow Port’s lead. The three of them began to walk away.

Antonio totally lost his shit.

"WHAT?!" he shouted, hands flying up to grip his own head as if to prevent it from exploding. "Universal admiration is what EVERYONE secretly desires, and you’re the only one who has even come remotely close to actually achieving it! How can you just walk away from this?!"

Port didn’t even glance back.

"AARRGH FRIG THIS (╯°□°)╯︵ ┻━┻" Antonio screamed, kicking the deck in frustration. He watched Port walk away for a few moments, before slowly descending to the deck, cradling his head in his hands.

Amelia tentatively moved to his side and placed a comforting arm around him.

"I’m so sorry, Antonio," she whispered. "This is all my fault."

They were silent for a long moment, before Antonio finally replied hoarsely, “no… this was my doing. I just… even before he slept with you, I just felt such rage every time I looked at him. I don’t know how to let it go.” He squeezed his hands impotently into fists. “It just won’t leave me alone.”

Amelia shifted closer to him, resting her tear-stained cheek against his. She wanted to take his pain away, but she had no idea where to even begin.

They were so caught up in their own thoughts that at first they didn’t notice the low rumbling that seemed to be rising up from the ocean itself, as if in their folly they had angered Poseidon or maybe even Aquaman. Soon, however, even the Titanic itself was starting to shake, so it became rather hard to miss.

Antonio looked up, blinking to bring his vision back into focus, and saw that Port and his two female companions had raced back onto the scene. They stood right at the tip of the prow, staring out at the ocean.

"What is that?” Amelia asked, fearfully squeezing Antonio harder.

They stood and walked to the railing - then froze in place when they saw what was out there.

Port glanced back at Antonio and locked eyes with him for a moment. Suddenly their conflict was forgotten, and they were comrades in the Royal Navy once more, at least temporarily.

Out on the horizon, cruising silently through the deep blue ocean, were rogue icebergs. Dozens of them. Heading straight for the Titanic.

Midshipman First Class James Port narrowed his eyes, then began unbuckling his pants.

"All right, you guys," he said, "get your sex ghosts into gear. We’re going to have to fuck our way out of this one."